Denver, Colorado at the historic Cheesman Park. And I wanted to flip on my camera today and
make another video under this tree because Ive been getting a question for a long
time now from both men and women and it's how do I get back with an ex? How do I fix what went wrong with my lover
and start over and create that second chance? Now a caveat before I jump into the tips,
it's up to you to examine whether or not the dynamic you had with your ex is healthy. And oftentimes taking space, journaling, working
with a therapist or coach, can really help you come to the clarity needed to make the
best move from where you're at so I highly encourage that. Now that said, what Im going to do in this
video is I'm going to outline five ways, five steps towards reconciliation with a partner
that's broken up with you.
I do believe that in some cases, relationship
should end. And I believe in many cases, relationships
can have a second chance and it is appropriate to fight for a second chance. Sometimes your partner doesn't know how to
communicate with you and one of the most sobering and direct ways to actually communicate a
message to especially if you have not been listening is to break up with you. It's to play the ultimate trump card which
is, I'm taking all of my toys and I'm going home.
And if that doesn't get you to wake up and
start listening and start looking at yourself, I don't know what does. A breakup is one of the most emotionally devastating
things that anybody can go through. So, the larger context around getting an ex
back, in my view, is that the relationship breakup is an opportunity for your own transformation. It is a really powerful mirror that you can
begin to gaze into and start to upgrade parts of the way that you relate to people and remove
the BS strategies that may have led to the break up in the first place.
So, that said, the first step in reconciling
with your ex and creating a second chance is to not go too much too soon. What I mean is this, when your partner breaks
up with you, they are wanting space. They are making a declaration that they need
perspective, that they need to walk away and collect themselves and truly experience what
it's like to no longer have you in their life. Many times, people break up with their partners
because they are looking for clarity.
Sometimes they're breaking up with them because
they want nothing to do with them anymore, at least in the moment, and it is very important
that you honor that decision and back away from them and deal with your emotions without
them helping you. And what that means is maybe you're working
with a therapist, maybe you've got friends as the support group, you're working with
a coach, but you are working on the feelings of loss without their help and without using
them to stop the bleeding or reassure you that everything's going to be okay. And the reason why this is so important, the
reason why taking space and honoring their decision is so important is because most likely
during your relationship trust and respect were compromised meaning that they perhaps
didn't trust you anymore or they didn't respect you enough to want to stay in a relationship
or see a future with you. And one of the first steps to rebuilding any
type of second chance is to re-establish the trust and respect.
And by you being able to honor their decision
and respect it and walk away and did not contact them and take some space and get some perspective,
you communicate: one, that you trust yourself that you trust their decision, and two that
you respect a decision. Now the second tip is to avoid blaming yourself
and avoid punishing yourself over this breakup. Look you may have done some things that didn't
work, you may have been selfish, you may have taken the person for granted, you may have
been ignorant to their feelings, and look it's not your fault. This is the kind of stuff that happens in
relationships and sometimes it takes several go-arounds before we get it right.
If you didn't have the best model growing
up from your mom and your dad or even if you did sometimes relationships take a few tries
before you really get them right. So, I encourage you to go easy on yourself
and realize that you've made some mistakes maybe they've made some mistakes as well and
it's okay. Because see when you stop blaming yourself
you stop punishing yourself, it actually allows you to move forward it allows you to change. But when you are beating yourself up and you're
punishing yourself for the things that you did it's like this weight that is on your
shoulders stopping you from being able to move forward.
It's your responsibility to be able to see
the mistakes that you made and to take responsibility for them in yourself in a way where you are
not adding more weight and blame and self-hate on top of this mix. But you're able to say, All right you know
what I did these things, they didn't work. And now there's some education that perhaps
I need to get and I'm going to come back with a new me. I'm going to come back with a new strategy,
with a new awareness and I'm going to be able to create something different.
And blaming yourself and punishing yourself
does not help in that process. Now the next tip I have for you is to stay
single and stay in integrity with yourself meaning don't go find somebody so you
can then post on Facebook how you want to I'm some amazing date with a different
guy or a different woman just so you can make your ex jealous. Because if you are playing games and you're
using other people it will come back to bite you in the ass. Because see you're not operating from your
best self you're operating from a part of you that wants to make the other person jealous
or wants to hurt them and wants to instill fear of them so they fear that you might leave
and then they come back.
And then the primary motivation for them coming
back is not necessarily because they think things will be different but it's because
they're afraid of losing you. And what will end up happening is once they've
got you and they're no longer afraid of losing you, all of those reasons around why it didn't
work will come rushing back into the forefront and theyre going to break up with you again. So, no throwing rebounds in people's faces
stay single get some perspective. Adding anybody else to this equation on your
side is just going to confuse you, it's not going to allow you to get the perspective
that you need to truly do the work necessary to start over and create a second chance.
And the fourth tip I have for you on getting
back together with an ex, you've got to take responsibility for the break-up in a way that
truly touches your partner. What I mean is it's not enough to say I'm
sorry. It's not enough to say, You're right and
I agree with the breakup, but rather you're going to have to dig and have to get down
to the core dynamic that led to this breakup. And you are going to have to see your contribution
of how is created and why it was created and it's going to require a level of vulnerability,
a level of transparency and honesty on your part that is truly going to pave the way for
them to see you in a new light.
It's almost as if you are coming back to the
table with an understanding of the dynamic so clearly that they are meeting a version
of you that perhaps they have not seen in years. And that is how they can begin to see a second
chance. You've got to take responsibility for the
breakup that gets to the core issue and it communicates it to them in a way that you
almost articulate it better than they could, so you are bringing clarity to the problem
that they in a way that perhaps they haven't seen yet that provides a full 360-degree view
of what wasn't working. And then the two of you can start rolling
up your sleeves and building something new from there.
And the fifth and final step I have for you
which is something that I mentioned in step one which is to get outside help, whether
it's a life coach or relationship coach, somebody to help you see the things that you are too
close to; to help point out the obstacles that are in your blind spots that are stopping
you from making progress it's invaluable and will exponentially help you move forward. It can be very easy to get stuck in a situation
where you are on the path to reconciling with your ex or reconciling with your lover and
moving forward in the right direction and then to mess it up because you don't know
what happens next or you react to something because you get in your own way and you get
emotional and you say something you'll regret and you make a poor decision and I don't want
that to happen to you so one of the things that I've done is I've created two different
links. Okay two different guides: so one for you
if you're a man and one for you if you are a woman. Because truly the path to reconciliation is
different depending on whether you are or whether you're a woman, so below this video
in this description is a link for men in a link for women.
For men, it's going to be a guide called the
5 No BS Truth to Saving Your Relationship. And for women, it's going to be a guide on
the 3 Reasons Men Leave Women. Once you enter your email and get those guides
I've also got a series of videos I'm going to be giving away to you for free as well. So, if this is something that you are interested
in, if you are interested in creating a second chance with your ex and you are looking for
more perspective and more help, go ahead and click on those links right below this video
and I will see you on the other side good luck..
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